I distinctly remember a time when a feedback conversation blew up in my face.
I was managing a team of personal trainers at a recreation center on my college campus. During a shadowing session with a newer trainer, I sat down with them to go over some suggestions I had. In my gut, I knew this wasn’t going to go well.
Immediately, the trainer grew defensive. Instead of listening to what I had to say, we were arguing back and forth. Firmly entrenched in my own viewpoints, I argued back. The conversation didn’t get out of hand, but it was clear we weren’t making any progress. Both parties were set in their own thinking and showing no signs of budging.
Perhaps you’ve been in this exact situation—approaching a new teammate with some critical feedback. You want desperately for the conversation to go well. In many ways, that first feedback conversation sets the tone for the rest of the relationship. Recovery from a bad start is possible, but it’s uncomfortable and difficult for everyone involved.
Starting a cycle of feedback on your team is equal parts important and delicate. The trick is to not start with direct, critical feedback but rather progress that direction over time building a relationship along the way. Here’s a step-by-step progression for moving from 0 to “This could be better” without burning bridges.
I just finished up with Radical Candor, a book on leadership by former Google and Facebook executive Kim Scott. Scott lays out two axes that exist within leadership—care personally and challenge directly. Together, they create the radical candor framework.
Care personally is just that—demonstrating to your teammates that you give a damn about their well-being and success.
Challenge directly is all about helping them improve, giving them feedback, and pushing them to excel.
I want to talk about moving up on the Care personally axis and moving towards Radical Candor pulling both from the book and personal experience.
You’re the average of the five individuals you spend the most time with.
A quick Google search will turn up articles on LifeHacker, Entrepreneur.com, and more all pointing to the singular argument; who you spend time with matters. They influence how you think, how you act, and what you believe.
Generally, the “law of averages” focuses on what you adopt from others. Your mindset, beliefs, and habits are influenced by those close to you. We can flip the equation around though and look at it a different way. You influence the mindset, beliefs, and habits of your close friends, which leads to a simple question.